today has been something.
woke up with a hop in my step, made it to the bus stop in time- even after running back to my apt to get my phone (which happened to be in my bag). i wasn’t discouraged.

came to work, made coffee- did some work, made some fliers- updated some info.
then i got word of the plane crash- watched the videos online, heard the students mumbling about it in the hall. and my spirits fell down. someone asked me if it was a terrorist act.. i said no way.
it wasn’t
just a crazy man- with crazy pants, and a crazy agenda.

went near by to a store to pick up things for work- traffic was bad.
which made me uneasy at best. and then we avoided hitting the back of a large truck-
my anxiety took over.

i have a hard time being a passenger these days, i’m the one who now presses my feet to the floor when someone drives to close to the car ahead, the girl biting her lip and hoping not to offend with words and warnings of ‘watch out’ ‘see that car’ ‘waitttt’ i hate being that person. i haven’t had a car (control) in 3 years. each day i feel like i’m getting further and further from feeling safe in a car. i can drive, i feel fine- i’m alert and safe- but any other seat- for long drives in traffic – i’m trouble with a seatbelt.

breathing was hard. i opened the window to get air – something was odd about it
i finally achieved a calmer state- got out of the car at our destination- and smelled the burning building
it made me uneasy.
so uneasy.
smelling the after effects of something
so stupid
so selfish
and unnecessary
gross.

glad tomorrow is friday.

what i’m talking about.