Feeling is a funny thing. …
I know just how I feel when my stomach hurts, when my head aches, when cramps are their worst, whenever I stub my toe or hit my funny bone.

I know how it feels to love, to worry, to feel my saddest…

but

embarrassment seems to be the hardest to get used to.
It lingers in my blood stream and stays for what seems like a lifetime. It makes me feel guilty to smile or laugh, lowers my energy level and weakens my morale. it feels a bit dramatic to feel so embarrassed, and completely ridiculous- but mostly i just want the feeling or situation gone.

i normally stray from the situations in which embarrassment might occur, being a goofball allows me the chance to have those “that’s what i wanted to happen” moments. and i’m fine with that- i like the freedom- almost like wearing elastic banded pants.

but i’m feeling a bit of embarrassment this morning as I eat my (probably), not so gluten free, breakfast. While Annie Lennox is being blasted “no more I love yous”- funny.

No, the embarrassed feeling is not from breakfast or from this establishment’s choice of tunes but rather from something i probably shouldn’t be so embarrassed about- and will run it’s course by the end of the day.

who cares.

I overreact from time to time, especially when dealing with financial matters. Bought my last Christmas gift, and within minutes I lose it and mildly freak out thinking the world is full of malice and my cynicism takes flight!

But who cares about all that now that the gift was found and i’ve forgotten why I was so upset.

merry christmas.

Still on the quest for the perfect cheapest coat. Went to a few places but to no avail! Too small too big too stupid and too white was all I found.

But a lovely transient was concerned I’d be warm enough tonight. He invited me to camp with him and told me stories of how he loves to mess with people. He asked for a cigarette and mentioned how much he wanted an apple, while a young Asian student sat quietly taking bites of hers, she turned to look when she heard him and he motioned to me and told me to mimic him and say the same. I declined and he called me a ‘fuddyduddy’.

Someone has to be one.

it’s getting colder.
& the winds of change are blowin!

santa’s coming today.
he will make an appearance to take photos with screaming children and their lovely parents- & i’m blessed with the photo taking position.
reminds me of David Sedaris, yes mentioning him again- i’m the ‘photo elf’ there will also be a ‘cashier elf’ and probably an ‘omg elf’ to help keep the screaming children away from me (i’m hoping).

oh christmas towels…oh christmas towels…& potholders
yes, i’ve received the gift.
funny enough they’re snowmen.
& i will be using them ALL YEAR LONG.

after a tiny moment of absent-mindedness a few weeks ago, for some reason i believed someone that vermicelli is made of rice.
let me note that this was after a LONG debacle of discussing soy sauce and explaining that i couldn’t have something that was battered and fried in flour… i caved! it’s stupid!

sure i’ll have the soup with the vermicelli! done! eaten!
and i payed the price- big time.
i won’t go into detail- but it was painful and well painful.

but it’s better now- and i’m back to basics. my cysts are less active and more manageable. it’s like i live on a nice island with inactive volcanoes, but as that goes – volcanoes can surprise you and erupt at any time.

but i’ll enjoy the nice breeze and the summertime feeling for now. (regardless of the reality of possible snow this week)

a hefty top these past few weeks.

what to buy?
how much to buy?
how much to spend?
how much do i like them?

these questions are easily answered…. by my bank account.

on top of that i’m terrible at picking something out.
i’m more likely to find something if i’m not searching for you.
but that’s typical when purchasing anything.

example: i was on the bus, and not shopping and i came home with a brand new totes umbrella! someone had left it – and i picked it up, sure that it was the guy that was sitting next to it- and to my fortune, it wasn’t his! score.

i’ll keep clickin.

http://www.originalalamo.com/Show.aspx?id=6923

TREMORS with REBA. best. movie. ever.
& oh yeah. KEVIN BACON.

wish i could make it out tonight- but i think i’ll be here til 8p.
unless i make magic happen, and i’m not feeling very magical at the moment.

seeing that made me think of the few months when i would go to weird wednesdays and get wasted alone and heckle. every time feeling like i was going to get kicked out- but probably wasn’t even close.
well, maybe i was real close- once. during TERRORVISION and Jon Gries came and spoke. cloudy memories really. thank god for the bus.

i used to do a lot of things, what happened to me?
i guess it’s better that i’m not getting wasted 8 times a week, but at least it was more fun?

arriving at the bus stop last night, a few minutes early- i had time to set a large wall clock for one of the class rooms. the clock is ‘atomic’ so in order to set it – it must be activated near a window or just mostly out of the confines of the shopping mall type building i work in. (no windows)

as i’m setting my clock – i see a woman walking towards the bus stop.
this person is larger set- by using biggest loser as a guideline- i’d say she’s weighing in at about 350. we chat for a moment- she tells me she ‘swore’ i had a car “hauuuuuuh… i thouh you hada carrrr hauhhhh”, and was mystified that i ride the bus,

inbetween large moments of heavy breathing she told me stories.

she’s a lovely person- told me about how her girlfriend’s grandma has 24 hours to live, and how she hadn’t had a bowel movement in 3 weeks (grandma not her). but the best part is after that, she turns to me and says “i thouh you were dat other gurl, she taulks too muuucch.” … “i said no, not me”… then she answered her phone.

i’m so glad i’m not the other girl who talks too much.